Day 4 Post-Op Strabismus Eye Muscle Surgery: Reflections along the Journey

I can fully understand how people may not know how to respond to someone who has just had eye muscle surgery.  Let's face it, you look like something right out of the movies!  I could be featured in Rocky VI, Zombie Mama Returns, or the Alien from Outer Space!  I guess that is why the doctor recommended that I take the whole week off of work...his words exactly, "you just need to get through this first week."  Translation:  you look like hell and you will for a while...sleep it off if you can and stay clear of spectators!

So why am I blogging and actually posting my unsightly videos for the world to see?  My husband and son asked me that question.  Why would I put that image of myself that out there?   "Michelle, you should take those off of there!"

If you are asking yourself that question then you really don't know what it is like to live with such a public disability.  You see, all my life I have felt unsightly.  Every face-to-face encounter that I have had with another person brings to mind my disfigurement.   When I look into the eyes of another person I can't help but think they are noticing the misalignment of my eyes.  Granted, it is often a fleeting thought that enters and exits my mind, but nonetheless, it is there day after day without ceasing. 

I realize that making these videos and blog entries public may cause folks to think differently about me.  That is a risk I feel I need to take.  What motivates me is the thought that there is about 3% of our population that lives with strabismus each day.  Each day these folks struggle with the same feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem.  You see, strabismus is more than a physical defect.  It is a psychologically debilitating condition.


The psychosocial effects of strabismus has also been well researched.  In addition to dealing with ridicule, teasing, and social isolation, folks living with strabismus are often victims of discrimination when applying for a job.  They are often introverted, suffer from poor interpersonal relations, and most avoid eye contact (Castleberry, 2005).   My disability makes it difficult for me to  form deep friendships and  relationships outside of my immediate family.  I have tons of acquaintances, but I have had very few close friends. I consider myself to be a very out-going, positive and friendly person, but let's face it, it is hard to maintain a deep and meaningful conversation with someone you cannot look at normally. 

As a teacher, I would ask questions to the class, look at the student I wanted to respond and ask them to answer the question.  I cannot tell you how many times they look around and say, "Who me?  Are you looking at me?"  I get it...one eye is pointing one direction and the other is off in a different direction.  Of course it is difficult to know which eye to follow.  Adults think the same thing...they just avoid saying it out loud. 

That is why I am subjecting myself to this level of vulnerability and public exposure.  If I can help just one other person find a path of treatment and healing from this disabling condition, then it all worthwhile.  If I can help just one person with normal eyesight be able to understand how strabismic people feel -- to get them to reach out and form deep and meaningful relationships with those who suffer from this condition then it was all worth it.  Let me ask you, you who are normal sighted, how many of you are best friends with a strabismic person?  How many of you socialize with those who are cross-eyed?  That's what I thought. 

Since I am being totally transparent, I might add something else.  Many strabismic folks are extremely hard workers.  They immerse themselves in their work because of two main reasons.  One, they contribute to the world in a positive way, which elevates their self-confidence and helps them feel valued.  Often times they can do this by hiding behind a computer or working in isolation.  By immersing themselves in their work they can avoid face to face encounters.  For those of you who know me, you will know that to be true of me.  I am very good at working -- too good for my own good.  You will also say that I appear, on the surface, as having a high level of self-confidence.  Now you know that the confidence I have comes mainly from my work and from my studies.  Deep down inside, like other strabismic folks, I am longing for deeper more meaningful relationships with others.  It is hard to find those who are willing to look beyond the disability.

Somehow I am hoping that this surgical procedure will take away the discomfort that others have when they look at me. I want to remove any obstacle that would inhibit my ability to communicate and interact in a "normal" way.

For those of you out there who are living with strabismus, know that I fully understand how you feel.  Let me go before you and help find a path toward healing and recovery.  In the end, I hope we both can say that it was worth it!

For those of you following my recovery, here is my latest video blog, four days after surgery: