Today marks the one week point following my eye muscle surgery. It was a great day for me, as I returned to work after taking off 4 days to recover from surgery. Even though my eye is still red and maybe not perfectly aligned, it is incredible how much of a difference the surgery has already made on my life and outlook.
I am attaching my latest video blog. What a difference a week makes! I am feeling so much better - in body, mind and spirit! I thank the Lord for his gracious hand of healing and for the skilful hand of my surgeon, Dr. Cadera. This is one decision I think I will never regret!
I can fully understand how people may not know how to respond to someone who has just had eye muscle surgery. Let's face it, you look like something right out of the movies! I could be featured in Rocky VI, Zombie Mama Returns, or the Alien from Outer Space! I guess that is why the doctor recommended that I take the whole week off of work...his words exactly, "you just need to get through this first week." Translation: you look like hell and you will for a while...sleep it off if you can and stay clear of spectators!
So why am I blogging and actually posting my unsightly videos for the world to see? My husband and son asked me that question. Why would I put that image of myself that out there? "Michelle, you should take those off of there!"
If you are asking yourself that question then you really don't know what it is like to live with such a public disability. You see, all my life I have felt unsightly. Every face-to-face encounter that I have had with another person brings to mind my disfigurement. When I look into the eyes of another person I can't help but think they are noticing the misalignment of my eyes. Granted, it is often a fleeting thought that enters and exits my mind, but nonetheless, it is there day after day without ceasing.
I realize that making these videos and blog entries public may cause folks to think differently about me. That is a risk I feel I need to take. What motivates me is the thought that there is about 3% of our population that lives with strabismus each day. Each day these folks struggle with the same feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem. You see, strabismus is more than a physical defect. It is a psychologically debilitating condition.
The psychosocial effects of strabismus has also been well researched. In addition to dealing with ridicule, teasing, and social isolation, folks living with strabismus are often victims of discrimination when applying for a job. They are often introverted, suffer from poor interpersonal relations, and most avoid eye contact (Castleberry, 2005). My disability makes it difficult for me to form deep friendships and relationships outside of my immediate family. I have tons of acquaintances, but I have had very few close friends. I consider myself to be a very out-going, positive and friendly person, but let's face it, it is hard to maintain a deep and meaningful conversation with someone you cannot look at normally.
As a teacher, I would ask questions to the class, look at the student I wanted to respond and ask them to answer the question. I cannot tell you how many times they look around and say, "Who me? Are you looking at me?" I get it...one eye is pointing one direction and the other is off in a different direction. Of course it is difficult to know which eye to follow. Adults think the same thing...they just avoid saying it out loud.
That is why I am subjecting myself to this level of vulnerability and public exposure. If I can help just one other person find a path of treatment and healing from this disabling condition, then it all worthwhile. If I can help just one person with normal eyesight be able to understand how strabismic people feel -- to get them to reach out and form deep and meaningful relationships with those who suffer from this condition then it was all worth it. Let me ask you, you who are normal sighted, how many of you are best friends with a strabismic person? How many of you socialize with those who are cross-eyed? That's what I thought.
Since I am being totally transparent, I might add something else. Many strabismic folks are extremely hard workers. They immerse themselves in their work because of two main reasons. One, they contribute to the world in a positive way, which elevates their self-confidence and helps them feel valued. Often times they can do this by hiding behind a computer or working in isolation. By immersing themselves in their work they can avoid face to face encounters. For those of you who know me, you will know that to be true of me. I am very good at working -- too good for my own good. You will also say that I appear, on the surface, as having a high level of self-confidence. Now you know that the confidence I have comes mainly from my work and from my studies. Deep down inside, like other strabismic folks, I am longing for deeper more meaningful relationships with others. It is hard to find those who are willing to look beyond the disability.
Somehow I am hoping that this surgical procedure will take away the discomfort that others have when they look at me. I want to remove any obstacle that would inhibit my ability to communicate and interact in a "normal" way.
For those of you out there who are living with strabismus, know that I fully understand how you feel. Let me go before you and help find a path toward healing and recovery. In the end, I hope we both can say that it was worth it!
For those of you following my recovery, here is my latest video blog, four days after surgery:
When I arrived at Northwest Eye Surgeons I was taken to the clinic for a quick set of eye measurements. The had me look into a machine that had a red light that would shine into each eye several times. The nurse printed out a report and I was taken to the surgery center.
My husband, son and eldest daughter were with me today. It was great to have them present during this stretch of my journey. When I was called back for the surgery, I had to leave them behind in the waiting room.
I waited quite a while after getting some antibiotic drops put in my eye and my IV put in. The anesthesiologist brought me back into a room with a chair. She gave me some Versed to calm and relax me. Then she proceeded to inject my eye with medication to numb it. With the Versed, this was quite a tolerable process.
I then was brought to operating room, placed in a reclining chair and was attached to all of the usual monitoring gauges. Dr. Cadera entered and a number of nurses were present to assist with the surgery. A plastic drape was applied to my face, over my right eye. They placed a cone near my nose to create a space for me to breathe easily. Dr. Cadera carefully cut a slit in the plastic and placed my eye in some sort of clamp to keep it open. All of this was quite tolerable, as I was virtually numb in my eye and face.
I was fully conscious and able to converse with the doctor during the entire procedure. Although I could see instruments come into my view, they were not clear but appeared as if I were in a dream. I make out the scalpel, the sutchers, the scissors and the various hooks and needles. I could watch him cauterize my blood vessels and move instruments in and out of my field of view. I could feel the tugging on my eye as he applied the stitches and the pressure as he cut and poked. There was even one point in the surgery that I felt him poke into my eye with a sharp instrument. Apparently that part of my eye did not get as much of the anesthesia. It was uncomfortable, even a bit painful, but completely tolerable.
I enjoyed conversation with Dr. Cadera and his staff throughout the surgery. We engaged in small talk, discussions about my eye and speculation about why I suffered from this condition. The rest of the talk was focused on Dr. Cadera speaking with his staff as they assisted him with the surgery.
Dr. Cadera operated on two different muscles, one that controlled horizontal movement and one vertical. When he looked at the one that controlled my horizontal movement, he commented that somehow the muscle had been moved because it was not even close to where it should have been. I reminded him that I have never had eye surgery in the past and he was quite surprised. Being lodged in the birth canal for hours on end must have moved the position of my eye muscle.
The surgery itself must have lasted about 45 minutes. Dr. Cadera said he was pleased with the surgery, but cautioned me, explaining that it would take weeks for my eye to settle into position. He told me not to get too concerned when I remove my eye patch and notice that my eye is not in the right location. He said it would take about a week for things to settle down.
After surgery, I was walked to a recovery room where my IV was removed and I had a cup of coffee and a peanut butter cracker. I felt good.
Here is a photo of me just five hours post surgery. My eye is still numb with the anesthesia which may explain whey it is pointed in the wrong direction!
I video taped myself taking off the patch and opening my eye for the first time. I want to warn you...if you have a sensitive stomach, you may not want to see this.
I am three days away from surgery and thought I would post a before photo and also a video blog. Here is a still shot of me before surgery.
Here is my video blog. See the difference with prism glasses and without:
My surgery is set for 12:00 noon on Tuesday, May 24th. Thank you all for your prayers and support. Next time I blog, I am hoping for two eyes looking directly into the camera!
I am now 10 days away from an event that is certain to completely change my life. I have decided to move ahead with eye muscle surgery. I have scheduled the surgery on May 24th at Northwest Eye Surgeons in Seattle, Washington. Dr. Werner Cadera will be performing the surgery -- he specializes in adults with Strabismus and does about 300 of this type of surgery each year.
When Dr. Cadera examined me, he found that my right eye is about 20-25 diopters misaligned. The prisms I have in my glasses only correct my misalignment by 9 diopters. What this means is that even with the strongest prism (about 16 diopters is the maximum one can have in eye glasses), my eyes will still be misaligned and there would be little hope I would ever be able to use both of my eyes together. With this level of misalignment, I will not be able to ever get the separate images I see out of each eye to fuse together to create one image. Therefore, without surgery, I would see double until my brain decided to repress the vision in my right eye and return to using my left eye only. In fact, there is a chance that my brain would never turn off the vision in my right eye and I would see double for the rest of my life.
Dr. Cadera explained that I will be awake during the surgery. I will be given a sedative to relax me and they will numb my eye with numbing drops. He will then make an incision in the thin white lining that covers the eye (called the sclera), peeling it back to expose the muscles that lie directly beneath. He will then surgically remove and reattach the muscles, shortening and lengthening the ones that are improperly placed. The sclera is then reattached and the surgery is complete. My eye will be red and irritated for about a week -- taking a full month to recover and settle into place. The thought of being awake, potentially being able to see a scalpel and sutchers come in and out of my sight is quite unnerving. I need to muster all of the courage I have to venture into this frightening reality.
But therein lies the hope of a much brighter existence for me. Dr. Cadera told me that with surgery, there is an 80% he can surgically move two of the six muscles in my right eye and achieve 100% alignment with my left eye. If my eyes were not 100% aligned after surgery, he said I could wait 3 months and have a second "touch-up" procedure. After the second surgery he could almost guarantee that I would have 100% alignment with my left eye. With that being said, how could I not decide that surgery would be the best option for me?
So I am moving ahead. Forging into, what is for me, uncharted, scary, dark waters. As I set sail into the unknown, I am propelled forward by a glimmer of a beautiful light in the distance. The light of hope. Once my eyes are aligned I should be able to continue with my vision therapy and learn to use my eyes together. Once I learn to use them together, there is a good chance I should be able to fuse the vision in both of my eyes together. If this happens, I should be able to obtain, for the first time in my life, some degree of binocular 3D vision.
What still makes these waters so dark and scary to me is the thought that I will wake up from surgery with worse vision than I have now. Will the dark black holes I see in my right eye fuse with the nearly perfect vision I have in my left creating a darkened view of the world? Or will my brain be plastic enough to take the best vision out of both eyes and create a picture that is much improved compared to the vision I have now? My both of my eye doctors tend to believe the second scenario is true. They both believe that I will have better vision than I do now.
But I have set my course and am sailing toward the light that glimmers on the horizon, trusting fully in my God, my Creator, and my Source for all real hope. He provides me with the courage, wisdom and strength to continue my journey towards a brighter future.
