Is This the End of the Road?

The two eye examinations I received from my surgeon and developmental optometrist yielded the same response, "You look like a million bucks!"   Both doctors concluded that my eyes were nearly perfectly aligned...I only had a tiny bit of vertical misalignment, only detectable by careful measurement, hardly detectable to the human eye. 

After close examination my surgeon, Dr. Cadera, told me I would not need a second surgery.  This was tremendous news!  The tiny bit of misalignment that was present should respond nicely to vision therapy.  He advised me to go back to vision therapy and continue work to regain full alignment and hopefully be able to achieve stereopsis (binocular vision).  Encouraged by his report, I looked forward to my appointment with my developmental optometrist.

I was greeted with a warm embrace by Dr. Kadet (aka "Dr. T") when I entered Hope Clinic for my progress evaluation. It had been many months since I had last seen him or been in for vision therapy.  As he looked into my eyes I could detect a bit of surprise in his face.  I don't think he expected my surgery to go as well as it had.  He took me back to the examination room and had me go through the typical eye screening exercises.  Because the vision in my right eye is so poor, I had difficulty doing what he asked me to do.  As Dr. Kadet moved the lens inside the phoropter vertically and horizontally, I was told to tell him when the two objects were perfectly aligned.  For a legally blind person, this is s difficult task.  My brain still wants so badly to repress the vision in my right eye.  It constantly turns off the vision in that eye so that I cannot see whatever it is I am supposed to see.  After several attempts trying to align various boxes and circles, he was able to calculate the alignment of my eyes. 

"Yep!" he exclaimed.  "He nailed it. Your eyes are almost perfectly aligned.  You only have a very small amount of vertical misalignment.  You know, he nailed it.  No, I really mean that...he nailed it!  I must admit that I was surprised he would even take you as a patient and am impressed with the result.  You look great!" 

"Well," he said, I don't know if there is that much more we can do for you know.  You are in a really good place." 

Puzzled, I exclaimed aloud, "Excuse me?  What do you mean by that?" 

"Well, Dr. Cadera did a fine job aligning your eyes.  I am not sure we can help you beyond that." 

Taken aback by his comment, I pressed him further.  I told him that Dr. Cadera encouraged me to seek vision therapy in order to continue to work on alignment and the possibility of fusion.  Dr. Cadera "got my eye in the ballpark" and Dr. Kadet could take it the rest of the way.  I asked him about continuing vision therapy so that I could work to get some 3D vision.

That's when Dr. Kadet said something that caused me to form a large lump in my throat which sank down my esophagus into the depths of my stomach.  He told me that because I had no central vision (in other words, my fovea does not work), I would never be able to achieve 3D vision, or stereopsis.  He said that central vision was required to have 3D vision. 

I must have looked completely shocked and dismayed.  I really could not believe what he just said.  Why would he lead me on all these months and give a false hope about the possibility of achieving 3D vision?  I honestly felt as if I had been bamboozled!  If that were the case, why didn't he tell me months ago that I would never be able to see 3D?  Why give me a false sense of hope all this time?

I did some computer research and found out that it is true.  Visual clarity and perfect alignment is necessary to achieve 3D vision.  I am including a good video from the American Optometry Association that explains this.  I may be able to achieve perfect alignment, but I will never be able to see clearly out of my right eye.  Months of vision therapy aimed at improving vision to my right eye led to this conclusion.  My right eye will remain legally blind for the rest of my life.  

So is this the end of the road for me?  Have I arrived at my final destination on my vision quest?  I guess I am not entirely sure.

If this is the end of the road, then I must admit that is a really great place to land!  For the first time in my life I can look another person directly in the eyes without hesitation.  I am no longer afraid of a camera lens or photographer.  I can look in the mirror and like the person who looks back at me.  For the first time in my life I feel a greater sense of confidence and self-esteem.  I am ready to take on the world!   If I have arrived at my final destination along my journey, I celebrate!  I have been given the chance to live a life free from discrimination and prejudice.  I can live to be all that I was created to be!

One Month After Surgery

Thank you for rallying behind me...for cheering me on...for supporting me through the dark hours of uncertainty and fear.  As Ursula K. LeGuin once said, "It is good to have an end to journey toward, but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
Happy trails to you, until we meet again!
~Michelle